Self-Discipline and Self-Control: The difference and why we need both.

 

 

You know you want one. (source: anthonyimages)

should speak for everyone but I can speak for me. I need more discipline in my life. It seems as if I ned to continue working at just about everything – relationships, fitness, learning, diet, and the list goes on and on. The thing is I do not have the mental capacity to do everything at the same time. Maybe you do. I seem to need to focus on one thing and then once that is where I want it and it can be maintained then I can proceed to the next thing. This has really been a measuring rod for me to show me my priorities. Where do I want my time and energy? Ok so enough of my sad story.

 

(if you do not care about the story jump down to The Difference)

Where this came from.

I have been doing some reading lately. I was one of those crazy people who preordered Tim Ferris’ new book the Four Hour Body. (Here is my quick review – Love it! Buy it! Read it!) I also have been doing P90X and yes, it hurts! Until this past week I always saw my workout and my diet as two realms that I needed to fix. After reading ideas that were brand new to me in the book – I started seeing that they can become one item on my list. This was a break through for me. So that is what I did.

I started thinking of both diet and working out in congruence with fitness goals. I know simple but hang with me. Once I started thinking this way, a huge hurdle came up in my life – self-discipline. There were so many things I wanted to eat and so many other things I really did not want to eat. There were also a lot times I did not want to go work out because P90 is over an hour on most days (if you add the Ab Ripper). This is where I started thinking about my self-discipline.

The Important Stuff

I found my struggle breaking down into two main categories. Stopping myself and making myself. This is where I saw the difference in Self discipline and Self control. When you think of these as two separate traits it is easier to navigate this rat race (or at least I think it is).

The Difference

Self-Control - not allowing yourself to do what you want to do but know you shouldn’t

Self-Discipline – forcing yourself to do what you do not want to do but know you should

This is really simple when you see it. And it applies to every area of life. Take a quick look at this simple table below for instance…

Area                                Self-Discipline                                                                Self-Control

Work                           Do it right every time                            Don’t steal someone else’s food from the frig

Marriage                 Love her every day all day                                          Keep your mouth shut

Fitness                           Get out of bed                                                           Do not eat a twinkie

The Point

So I think you see how it applies to life. You need both to succeed. Without self-discipline all the self-control in the world will not help you and the opposite is true as well.

Final note for the day (If you are married)

Give your wife a big kiss and tell her you like her shoes! It always works

Some Great Reading for Fathers

I have been having different conversations with many different men who are looking for good books to supplement their reading that will challenge their thinking and push them to become better men. I love to read and for the most part have been able to sustain a good reading schedule. There are many books that I have read but I would like to recommend to you the best of them that are worth your time to go and read.

The books are broken down into three main categories of books, they are for – Men who are Fathers, Men who are Husbands and Men Pursuing Jesus Christ.

Feel Free to Purchase any of the books below simply by clicking on the picture or on the title. (All links are affiliated with Amazon dot com and will kick back a few dollars to help continue Intentional Influence.)

Books for Men who are FATHERS

Raising a Modern Day Knight

By Robert Lewis

I used this to prepare much of The Standard of a Man. This is a critical book for father’s with boys of any age. The sooner you read this book the better.

Better Dad’s, Stronger Sons

By Rick Johnson

This book was the first that I read and I have given this book out to numerous men. This taught me the necessity of everything that I wanted to push towards where as the above book by Lewis showed me how to do it.

After Words

By Ron Mehl

This guy wrote each of his sons their own book pushing them to become who they were. Each book had some similarities but each also had great variety. This may be hard for some to do but it is a great idea to see how he left his sons a legacy.

She Calls Me Daddy

By Robert Wolemuth

This is for Fathers with daughters. My wife and I are expecting our first daughter and it seems that there are way fewer books about daughters then sons for Fathers. This one is worth your time and attention if you are looking for something in this area.

Books for Men who are Husbands

Sacred Marriage

By  Gary Thomas

This book is not just my recommendation. It comes highly recommended by pastors all over the place. If you are looking to build your marriage in any way - GET THIS BOOK. I think that covers it. You get it right – Buy this book!

What’s the Difference?

By John Piper

This book is perfect to describe the differences between the sexes, roles and help you see how the Bible defines true Manhood and Womanhood. A cross between helping you pursue manhood and marriage according to the Bible.

Tender Warrior

By Stu Weber

Here is a book that will help you focus on your responsibility not on the blame of what your wife is doing right or wrong. Weber is a fabulous author. The truth is anything you pick up with his name on it will be worth reading. All I have read I have loved.

A Husband After God’s Own Heart

By Jim George

This is the first book I read as I started pursuing being the husband my wife needed. I highly recommend this as a book if you are just looking to start the journey. It does not cover everything but is a great starting point as you begin the journey.

Books for Men Pursuing Jesus Christ

The Pursuit of Holiness

By Jerry Bridges

This is one of the greatest books I have ever read that helps us understand what it means to pursue Jesus Christ in our daily lives. This was a book I read before Bible College and now with a Master’s, it is still one of my favorites.

Humility

By C.J. Mahaney

Truth is I need to read this again. Yes! It is that good – and I lack what it teaches that much. This is a spectacular book and if you pay attention it will change your life.  I think out of all my struggles this is the one I need to read on the most.

The Principle of the Path

By Andy Stanley

Everything from Stanley is solid. He is a great teacher as well as author. This book helps you map out how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Take the truths in this book and apply them to manhood and you will be well on your way.

Porn-Again Christian

By Mark Driscoll

OK lets not act like sex is not an issue. Married or not. This is one of the best books on the topic from all angles regarding Biblical sex and the ramifications of sexual sin. Click here if you want to grab the Free E-Book Version. (The link is legit, no worries.)

What are your Favorites?

Here is the deal, straight and simple, I love to read and if I were to recommend some reading for any guys these would be in the list I would put before you. I am always looking for new books and recommendations from other guys as well. That said, PLEASE SHARE any good titles that you have read that would help me as well as anyone else that visits Intentional Influence.

Ride of My Life – When I Became a Man.

The Ride of My Life - By Caleb Roloson

As a rule of thumb I always want to pull people into what I am excited about. Ok, maybe it is more of a habit, but when I am excited I want others to be all jazzed up as well. I love it when they are. I hope you see my excitement through this blog from time to time as well as enjoy when I bring others into it who are all excited as well.

So who’s ride is it?

The Ride of My Life was written by my brother-in-law, describing the day that, when he looks back, marks the day that he became  a man. This is significant for 2 reasons.

1. He was thrown into it by necessity. His father is a great dad, I am consistently learning from my father-in-law in all areas of life. The point is though that this was not a ceremony. They did not have a chance for it. The day came when he did not have the choice and needed to become a man right away. He stepped up and it now marks the day that he looks back at as the day he became a man.
2. He is in my Community of Men. Caleb is one of the guys that I asked to sign the Enlistment of Service for my son. I hope to share this story with my son as he grows up. I want him to know this story when he looks at his uncle and sometime be able to sit in the woods with him on a trip and hear it straight from his Uncle Caleb. That would be so cool.

Click on Image to Download.

A few short pages to read.

So here is the file you can read. Just click on the image to download the document. Enjoy reading and be sure to share it and send people back this way. You can also click here to download the story.

When did you become a Man?

So as this whole thing grows I would love to have many more stories. I am looking for any other men who are willing to share their story. All you need to do is explain the event or events that come to mind when you answer the question, When did you become a Man? Your story may have been a ceremony or it may have been a situation like Caleb’s, but either way I would love for you to share it.

I will put it into a similar file as Caleb’s story with its own graphic and make sure you get a copy as well as share it with everyone else through my site.

Let me know in the comments if you are interested. Questions are welcome and I would love to hear from as many people as possible.

Are you interested in writing your story?

The Standard of a Man

All Documents are below.

From the moment that my wife and I found out that we were going to have a son the rest of my week became a mix of emotions. The first emotion that swept through was excitement. I have always wanted a son and the thought of having my oldest be a boy has always been a dream of mine. (Not that I wouldn’t have loved a little girl, but you know what I mean.) Shortly thereafter, the excitement was replaced with the thoughts of what it takes for me to teach my son to be a man. How do I help him become more than a grown up male? How do I teach him to become a Real Man?

Along the way, as I ran down this thought, I realized I did not have a great idea for my self and began taking to heart the things that I was learning as they played out in my own life. It was sobering for me. I would like to share with you a few of the assumptions that were underlying for me and the results of my thought process with you in hopes that it might be useful to other fathers.

A Few Conclusions

1. My Son will not always want to talk to me. I have this dream that my son will always talk to me, but instead of wishing that be the case I figure that it would serve me better to assume that there will be a time when this will not be the case. It was for me. I am just going to plan on it.
2. Structure provides a place for awkward conversations. I am speaking of those talks that most parents dread. Sex, masturbation, drugs, drinking, etc. I am not addressing those right now but as you will see I am setting up a context that those conversations fit into. If they fall within the structure I believe that my son will better understand how those decisions relate to the rest of his life.
3. Numbers are essential. I am referring to the community of men that I ask to be involved in my son’s life, what I call the “Enlistment of Service”. This is important for three reasons: I want to place before my son role models that he can watch throughout his life, I want him to have men he knows are invested in him that he can ask for counsel and when he becomes a man I want him to be among Men. This last one is not to say that being able to stand next to your dad as a man is not powerful but a community of men, I believe, is even more powerful.
4. What I place before my son to pursue, I must pursue with him. I have tried to figure out how to illustrate for my son that this is something that we are both pursuing. I choose to do this by framing the definition of a real man twice. One goes in his bedroom next to his bed and the other next to my side of my bed. My hope is that he grows up seeing them and I can show him that we are both pursuing the same thing.
5. My son needs me to be proactive. I know that there are men who are true men and never had a father who taught them this stuff but I believe that my son has a greater chance of learning this at an earlier time if I intentionally teach him then if I leave it to the world. I do not trust the world, I want him to learn the truth and I believe, as his father, that is my responsibility.

Downloadable Documents

Below are the files I put together from what I did for my son. I have had a few others ask me for this stuff and so I am making it available. Please feel free to read it through and adjust some aspects of it to fit what w you want to do with your son. I have tried to explain my thought process but if you have any questions please do not hesitate to let me know. I hope that these are helpful to you. If any of you takes things to the next level please let me know. I would love to learn from what you put together.

The Standard of a Man E-Book. This is the E-Book version of what I gave to my son just jazzed up a bit for your eyes as read through it. Download it HERE.

The Standard of a Man Gift Book. This version is the same content as the E-Book but in an 11 x 8 1/2 PDF. This is the actual one that I printed out and gave to my son. Download it HERE.

Development Guide. This is a great resource for anyone looking to do this with their son. Before each section of the content I added some information that will help explain where my head was as I was putting that particular section together. I think this is most likely the most valuable piece for many fathers. There is a lot of helpful information throughout it that will help tie the pieces together. Download it HERE.

*For each of the following documents there are two versions. The content is the same, the only difference is that one is WHITE so that you could print it on a cool paper while the other has all the cool stuff built into the image in the PDF, we will call this one the OLD one. Take a look, you will see what I mean.*

One-Pagers that might be useful to you.

 

 

Full Page Definition. This is the page that I mentioned before. I printed this out, cut it down a bit, and framed it in an 8×10 frame. I put one next to my sons bed and one next to mine. I hope it will help remind us both to live accordingly and help him see that I am pursuing this same definition.   WHITE OLD

Code of Conduct Page. This is a one page printout of the characteristics contained in the code of conduct. I am currently not using this but may in the future as my son grows.  WHITE OLD

Transcendent Cause Page. This is a quick summary of the main points that play out in what I have chosen to live for and what I am going put before my son. I will be using this for sure in the future. Feel Free to use it.    WHITE OLD

Love for a Woman Page. Notice it the love for a woman not of a woman. That is crucial. A summary of the section in the main document on one page. Be creative, it could be used in a ton of ways.     WHITE OLD

Meaning of the Standard Page. This is a quick explanation of the crest that is on the cover of and throughout the document. It is the same content that is at the end of the other documents just in a separate file. I have thought about framing the crest in the future with this by its side in a double 8×10 frame. Just a thought.    WHITE OLD

Enlistment of Service Contract. This is that single page in a separate document. I used this to print multiple copies and handed them to 8 men that make up the community of men around my son. This is the most significant file of the one page documents. There is room at the bottom for a personal note as well if anyone should desire it. WHITE OLD

Ceremony Worksheet. In the document I listed 5 ceremonies that I want to use as my son grows up. I understand that not all fathers will use the same 5 or may use more. I prepared a simple worksheet that might help as you work through what those ceremonies are and how they will go. I choose five major ones, but there will be numerous smaller events, this worksheet contains what I considered to be the basic framework to make it happen.   WHITE OLD

Thank You!

I am convinced that if I am able to pull even a portion of this off in my son’s life, I will make a huge impact in his future. If anyone else might be able to benefit from what I have been learning that they would be able to. I am still learning however and if anyone would like to interact with this to make it better I would welcome it greatly.

Thank you for the opportunity to invest in you as well as your family. If you make any adjustments to what I have put forward and would like to share them with the rest of the fathers who interact here, please let me know.

Happy Turkey Day and a Digital Update

Come on - This is cool! (source: Coopet Photography)

We all know what is around the corner so I wanted to take a moment and say….

Happy Thanksgiving!

What are you doing for the holiday? I will be going to my in-laws house for Thursday and then having a second dinner on Friday with my family. I can not wait. We get to eat it all twice then the leftovers. The leftovers could be considered the best part of Thanksgiving by some in my family. I like the football and hanging out with my family.

Have a great holiday and enjoy your time off of work. Take the time to really be present with your family. I know I need to make sure I do this because my mind runs nonstop. Good luck.

Some Digital Updates

In the past few weeks a lot has happened to me. I wanted to recap those things for you and let you know what is coming up on Intentional Influence.

Work.

I was taking a few Graduate Courses this Fall and have been looking for a new job. In the last few weeks I found two. Yeah that is right 2!

1. The first job I landed was the design and build of a Climbing Facility at a nearby Educational Institution. I am really excited about this and it will be a project that will last through the next  months. I love climbing and so this is a job I am really pumped about.
2. The second Job I got and just started on Monday is working with a mentor of mine for the next 12 months. He brought me on to be a division manager for his company. It is seasonal so I am only working two days a week through the winter. I am excited about this as it will allow me to pursue another course for Graduate work as well as work on projects for my blog.

I am excited about both of these jobs and all that is coming up in the next few weeks. I wanted to share with you one of the biggest projects that I have been working on for the last year.

The Standard of a Man

Coming Soon!!!

This project has been a long process for me. It all started with my wife and I learning that we were going to have a son. From then on I started reading, trying to figure out what I need to do to teach my son to be a man. This led to me not being sure what it was myself and so I kept reading.

I began putting together a strategy for how I wanted to raise my son to be a man. I talked with other young and old fathers and friends to get their input. As the conversations kept going I thought that others might benefit from this as well, so I put some extra time and money into it and wanted you to be able to grab it right here for free.

Next week I will be making available for anyone who wants it all the pieces with PDF files to print out, E-books, and a Development Guide in addition to a copy of the book that I made for my son. I think this would really be a great help to anyone who wants to teach their son to be a man.

There is more coming and next week all of these will be available for you.

Mentoring Young and Why it Matters

 

Benjamin Franklin - I would love to see more of him in my wallet.

Over the past few weeks I have been reading some of Ben Franklin’s autobiography, bits at a time. This week I read a section that I just really wanted to share with you. Included in his autobiography, Franklin has a letter sent to him in 1783 by Mr. Benjamin Vaughan. In this letter Franklin is encouraged to complete his autobiography, which was only started at this point, so that it could benefit others. In it he includes this section on the importance of self-education and the example for youths. Check it out – it is quite good. Read it twice if you need to.

 

Enter Benjamin Vaughan.

School and other education constantly proceed upon false principles, and show a clumsy apparatus pointed at a false mark; but your apparatus is simple, and the mark a true one; and while parents and young persons are left destitute of other just means of estimating and becoming prepared for a reasonable course in life, your discovery that the thing is in many a man’s private power, will be invaluable! Influence upon the private character, late in life, is not only and influence late in life, but a weak influence. It is in youth that we take out party as to profession, pursuits and matrimony. In youth, therefore, the turn is given; in youth the education even of the next generation is given;  in youth the private and public character is determined; and the term of life extending but from youth to age, life ought to begin well from youth, and more especially before we take our party as to our principal objects. … your biography will not merely teach self-education, but the education of a wise man.

For the Road.

I thought this was powerful. Here are a few thoughts and then I will leave you. Feel free to interact with them in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts.

• Education is a man’s private power. It is also his responsibility. Teach those you mentor to learn, to ask the right questions and to discover and they will surpass all else that you could offer.
• Influence on character is more powerful the earlier it takes place. If you can interact with those you mentor earlier it will make a difference. If you know you are going to mentor them when they reach a certain point, start earlier. Even if a little energy is given it will be to their advantage.
• Private and public character is determined at a young age. The issue of why the habits we form at an early age matter is clearly seen here. What you see in them as an adolescent is not easily redirected.

What are your thoughts? Let me know.